The Passion Play Read online

  She could not delay any longer. She came to stand on the opposite side of the table, clasped the top of a chair with clenched hands. She considered sitting but somehow that would make it so formal, this barrier of a table between them like the barriers she had put there with her cruelty.

  Standing was not much better.

  She opened her mouth. Closed it. Opened it again.

  She had thought about what she would tell him on the drive here but she could not recall what she had decided.

  Finally she just said: "Luke, I wanted to tell you I've been foolish. And a coward. And just . . . not seeing things clearly."

  At that he looked at her, and his eyes were hazy and unfocused. There were dark shadows under them, she realized, and she wondered if he were well. If he had been sleeping poorly.

  He gathered himself and frowned. "I don't know what you mean."

  "I've realized when I said I couldn't possibly love you I was wrong."

  She waited for his expression to change; to lighten; for gladness to come into it. She could not see it. Just the same wariness, and maybe now a tightening. His nostrils flared and he took a deep breath.

  "I love you, Luke. I couldn't see it before because I was so certain it couldn't happen. I thought I had to have time to heal, and I thought . . . oh . . . stupid things . . . prejudiced things about you that I'm ashamed of now. But I know you, I really know you and I want to know you even more and not to be so closed-minded. I didn't . . . I couldn't . . . when I made you go away I was so sad about it, it was hard to even think straight. You told me you couldn't think around me? Well I can't think properly without you, it seems to me. I was just dazed. These past weeks have been like living in a fog, I was just so incredibly hurting and not understanding . . . it's weird and I can't explain it very well but I was broken without you and I have to say I'm sorry and hope-" he was getting up from the table now, and the expression on his face was fiercely intent and she still could not quite read it but he was circling around towards her and she hurried to get the last words out before he stopped her – "you can forgive me for being an idiot. Mmph."

  He grabbed her, his mouth coming down on hers in a kiss of driving possession, hunger and hard need. She was swallowed by it, consumed, her hands rising to grasp his head, startled at first but quickly moving to clutch him closer.

  He bore them both to the floor, rolled to cushion her fall, rolled again to come out on top of her; pinned her to the ground, her legs parted with his body between them, hot and male and vital. He poured pure passion into that kiss. It was raw and aching, and if she had thought the last few weeks were painful to her, the desperation of him told her it was nothing next to what she had done to him. It made her cry, silent tears running to disappear into the hair at her temples.

  "Oh God, I'm sorry sweetheart but I have to just hold you here for a moment . . . I thought I'd never get to . . . ah, God, I love you. I love you." He rested his forehead on hers and all she could see was the greenish brown of his eyes, two inches from her own, pupils dilated, him hunched over her, a curve of pure focus and need.

  He was breathing hard and he gave a long, slow blink and said: "My God, Liss, hearing you say that . . . I swear. Don't move. Just let me feel that you're here, really here." He propped his upper body on both his elbows so she could breathe too and stared down at her as if memorizing her.

  "I love you," she told him, and he closed his eyes, an expression of pure bliss on his face.

  "You've got no idea what it's like to hear you say that, sweetheart. No idea. I've wanted those words for so long . . ." he shook his head as he opened his eyes again.

  "I love you," she told him again to please him, to please herself, and he beamed down at her, radiating happiness bright as the sun.

  "You could say that a thousand, thousand times and I'll never get tired of hearing it."

  "I'll try that," she said softly, feeling a huge groundswell of tenderness rise up in her for him, this glad, open-hearted man who had waited for her to be ready to love him. She was so blessed. It humbled her to see it in him, the power she had to transform him, to make him over anew, only with the gift of herself.

  He cupped her head in his big hands, moving so he could kiss her, gently now, on her face, her mouth, soft and slow. "What I wanted to tell you," he said in between those delicate brush strokes, "is how happy you've made me, and how you move me to my core. That I want to be a better man for you-"

  "I can't imagine it," she interrupted. "You being any better than you already are. You're so lovely."

  His eyes crinkled up at the corners. "Don't interrupt me when I'm speaking to you, woman," he commanded, and she batted her eyelashes at him. "And I'm not surprised you have come to think so. I'm sorry to have taken advantage of your innocent nature but the truth is I've had a plan to get you exactly where you are right now-"

  "A plan?"

  "A strategy. A set of moves-"

  "A play?"

  "That's it. A play-"

  "So I've been bamboozled?"

  "What did I tell you about interrupting? Not bamboozled-"

  "Swindled!" she teased in mock outrage.

  "Not swindled. You have had it revealed to you what an impressive character I am through a determined application of great sex-"

  "Fantastic sex."

  "Fantastic sex and irresistible sweetness."

  "Mmmm, yes," she hummed her agreement.

  "So I think it's only fair to give you due warning: I'll be smug now you acknowledge I was right and you were wrong."

  "Wrong and then some," she sighed. "I still can't believe I was so stubbornly, persistently blind for so long. And these past weeks . . . sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I've just been so wrong to you. Selfish and self-absorbed and stubborn and blind. I can't see how you could forgive me for the way I've treated you."

  He shifted to his knees then crouched to pick her up, walked with her to the black leather sofa and sat down with her across his lap. He pulled her in to lean on his chest, their heads level.

  Once they were settled he met her gaze with a slight smile, his eyes unshadowed. "You weren't yourself. You still aren't, not really. You've had a decade – more – living a life of emotional neglect and self-denial. You've poured out everything you have, caring for someone and never being cared for in return. That takes it out of a person, you know. I know it does. And you had that gift treated as dirt. There are consequences." He laid his broad palm on her breast bone. "Consequences here," he said, indicating within her, her heart and her self.

  "If I was a stronger, more patient man I would have waited till you were ready. Till you really had space inside you to make room for me. But I couldn't wait. I was greedy. And I couldn't take the chance – couldn't bear to even think – that someone might get to you before I did, might win your love.

  "Sweetheart, I remember the woman I first met. She came to me, a stranger, and asked me if I needed her help. Not because I could do anything for you. Not because I held out my hand and asked. Just because you saw me, thought of me and wanted me to know I wasn't alone. I know who you are. I know it even when you're a bit confused. I know it even when it feels like everything's shifting under your feet and you don't know what to hold on to. Hold on to me. I know you. I'll keep you safe. I love you.

  "I don't deserve you."

  "You do, and you will. Don't you worry. I'm going to get all that good loving, all that tenderness and care. I'm going to get every good thing you gave your last husband and more because I'm going to expect you to hold my heart as well, and take good care of it and keep it close. It's going to be your responsibility and I'm going to trust you with it. Can you do that for me?"

  "Yes. Oh, yes. Will you have mine too?"

  "Oh sweetheart yes. Yes. So gladly," and he held her so tight she could feel his heart beating hard in his chest, feel him tremble against her with the force of his joy. And she knew she was home.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  "I'm surprised to see the tw
o of you here together," Felicity said to Siobhan, subtly gesturing to Siobhan's partner Peter so he would not know they were talking about him. "Delighted, of course, but surprised after what you said. I thought you hated him." It had astonished her to see them walk through Tanya's front door together, body language saying they were a couple, Adam's baby seat competently carried by big, bulky Peter.

  "Oh. Well, yes. I mean sometimes I still do, but we decided to work on it. When you have a child together you've really got to make an effort, you know? Otherwise it's Adam who will suffer most. We agreed we'd have a trial period, and although we have our moments it's actually going surprisingly well."

  "Good on you."

  "Thanks. I do think it's the right thing. Not the easy thing, but the right thing."

  "So is that making other issues more straightforward?"

  "Oh, you mean the money side of things? Yes, I've called off the sale. I'm doing a few hours work, and Peter's moved back into the house and is taking care of the rest of the bills. We have a sort of contract for how we're going to do this and actually it really helps. There were things we used to argue about even before we broke up that don't bother us now because we've already reached a compromise. It's not so romantic. It's more like a business sort of approach, but it's working better. I don't know. Maybe romance is overrated."

  "Oh, I still think there's room for romance," Felicity murmured, her eyes finding Luke again, where he stood in animated conversation with Matt, Felicity's brother. His eyes flicked up to meet hers, and they shared a smile across the room, as palpable as a kiss.

  "Yes, well, maybe we'll get back to that someday. Baby steps. If we both want it enough, anything's possible."

  "I think you're right. Well done to both of you."

  "Mmmm. Oh, there's Adam now. I swear he knows the instant I start thinking about getting something to eat." A robust screech had sounded from the baby capsule out of the way in a corner.

  "If you're going to feed him, do you want me to bring something for you to eat while you're stuck in one place?"

  "Oh, that would be great. Thanks so much."

  Another mother had already lifted Adam out of the capsule, cooing to him, though he wriggled and bawled and looked for his own mother. Siobhan took him, his screeching unabated, and went to sit down, adjust her clothes and drape a length of muslin over one shoulder so she could discreetly breastfeed.

  Felicity came back from the buffet table with a plate of food and a glass of water, put them on a table by Siobhan's elbow and cut up the food so Siobhan could eat one-handed. She accepted the woman's heartfelt thanks and went back to the table to get herself some food.

  As she leaned over to get a serving of green salad, she felt an odd sensation in her abdomen, almost-but-not-quite familiar. It was like air bubbles, yet not.

  The tiny internal flutter came a second time, and suddenly it occurred to her it might be the baby moving. Her hand went to her abdomen and her head shot up, away from the buffet table, searching for Luke. He saw the movement, as always attuned to her, his body oriented to hers even when they were apart, and looked away from Matt to meet her gaze. His eyes flicked over her happy face and went to her hand.

  He grinned. Excusing himself he came towards her, a bounce in his stride, and when he reached her he slid his hands around her waist.

  "What?" he asked, full of happy anticipation.

  "Well I'm not sure, but I think it might be a kick. No, don't put your hand on it or everyone will-" but he ignored her of course, moving his hand around hopefully until she directed him. "It was here. But it's far too early for you to feel it. I can barely feel it. And maybe it's just gas."

  "But you don't think it was gas."

  She gurgled. "No. No I think it was the baby," she said, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet, and he bent and kissed her.

  "It's pretty early though, isn't it?"

  "Yes, very early to feel anything. But some people do."

  "And a little person like you, having a big baby like mine . . . I hope it's not too big." Now he looked worried. She put her own hand over his and patted it in reassurance. "It'll be okay. Don't stress about it."

  "What are you two looking so cozy about?" asked Tanya, coming up beside them and leaning over to steal a grape from her own fruit platter. "Aren't you-" she took in Luke's protective stance, his body wrapped around Felicity's, his hand on her stomach, and her eyes went round. "No!" she exclaimed. Luke whipped his hand away guiltily. "Seriously! Already?"

  "Shhh. We're not ready to announce it," hissed Felicity, making a patting motion on the air to hush her noisy friend. "But yes, we were trying and yes, we're pregnant."

  "Oh." Tanya put her hand on the upper slope of her chest and her eyes teared up. "Oh I'm so happy for you. Congratulations. Oh, you're just glowing. I thought you were glowing. Isn't she?" she asked Luke, and he smiled proudly down at Felicity.

  "Yes, she is," he confirmed, as if he had everything to do with it.

  Felicity blushed. "Okay you guys, keep it down. We're not announcing it until we've passed the three month point."

  "Okay, okay. Luke, how about you fill a plate for Liss and you come and tell me all your plans." Tanya looped an arm through Felicity’s and pulled her in the direction of the chairs in the conservatory. Everyone was inside talking so this gave them a little privacy, though it was cold. Felicity tucked her sweater tight around her. "I've barely had a chance to talk to you. Luke is divine by the way. I've always loved him. The two of you are adorable together. I can't get over the way he keeps looking at you. I like to see these big, tough guys all gaga. It's so sweet."

  "He's not tough. He's an absolute marshmallow."

  "With you, maybe. So how are things going?"

  "Oh Tanya, it's all . . . well it's so perfect I can't quite believe it. I mean work's fine and the house and garden are all in order and we have our trip to Europe soon and there's the baby of course-"

  "Morning sickness?"

  "Quite a bit, but that's okay. I'm managing. So there's so much to look forward to but Luke himself is the best of it all, really. I mean he's so . . . wow, you know? If you'd told me six months ago I could be this happy I wouldn't have believed you. Let alone that Dan would be completely gone from my life-"

  "Do you ever hear from him?"

  "I haven't heard a word for a month now. I got the divorce papers back all signed and that's been taken care of but other than that, nothing. He showed up once –– oh I guess seven, eight weeks ago now – and shouted his way round the house when I locked him out but other than that he hasn't been back."

  "Do you miss him?"

  "Are you kidding? Not in a million years. How did I ever stay married to him for so long? It amazes me, when I think back on it now. Insane. I was so emotionally shut off for years, in total denial about my marriage . . . my failed marriage. I still don't know what I did wrong but I'm working on forgiving myself for that-"

  "It wasn't you. It was Dan!" Tanya exclaimed in fervent loyalty.

  "Well, maybe, probably, but I'm not taking any chances this time around. I'm making sure I talk everything over with Luke; you know, when something troubles me, rather than shutting him out and keeping it to myself. And he's so good. He's the most incredible listener. I don't think I've ever talked so much in my life. Traveling together – having him all to myself all the time – will be so wonderful. I'm so excited!"

  "It's a real test of a relationship, traveling together with no one but each other."

  Felicity smiled in fearless confidence. "I'm not worried. We get on so well. He's really clever too. He has all these plans about the business he's going to start when he's finished with football and I think he'll do well. He's got a good head on his shoulders and I'll keep an eye on the financial side for him. I mean, I'm not an accountant but I know how to keep the books and-"

  "Well you sound properly besotted. I'm glad he's such a paragon of all the virtues. You've got it all sorted then."

 
"I don't know about all sorted but I . . . for the first time ever I feel like life's a real adventure and I've got a partner for it. I can't tell you how that changes things for me. It's so . . . oh, I'm going to cry. Sorry. It's the hormones."

  "It's not the hormones. It's you being happy. It's good to see. You stay here and I'll go get you some tissues and then you can brag some more about your perfect life. I'll find out where that Luke has got to with your lunch, as well. He's probably got distracted eating. I swear those big guys can eat their own weight . . ." she disappeared back into the house still talking, and Felicity hunched over, thinking maybe she should go inside where it was warmer instead of sitting out here turning into an icicle, though with her reddened eyes she must look terrible right now. She would just wait a couple of minutes until the worst of the blotchiness had faded.

  Not all her acquaintances in these circles were so happy to see her paired with Luke. Her true friends were of course, but others held judgment and talked about it being 'so quick,' 'so sudden' and ‘too soon,' or looked on with disapproving eyes. She found it did not bother her as much as the opinions of others always had. She could understand their perspective since she had initially shared their doubts. And some were still loyal to Dan, of course.

  Most of all, though, it was easy to accept the disapproval of others when she had Luke always there, adoring her so thoroughly. He truly was a bulwark, a rock against any tempest. He lent her a steadiness she loved.

  Oh, she loved him. She stroked her stomach with a happy smile.

  A movement to one side of the yard caught her attention. From where she sat she could see the front gate and there were two guests letting themselves through the picketed fence right now . . .

  She stiffened, recognizing that distinctive silhouette, knowing it all too well.

  Daniel King had just arrived, with his new girlfriend.

  Felicity wished there was some cover, but the floor-to-ceiling windows in the conservatory left her almost completely exposed to view and the next moment Dan caught sight of her. He stopped, pulling his girlfriend to a sudden halt, and she tottered on the gravel in her sky-high heels.